My Son, The Catalyst
It almost crushed me. The weight of the responsibility when I realized the choices I made not only affected my life anymore, but also my son’s. The crushing part about it was that I knew I was still betraying myself in some ways and now I had these two precious eyes on me. Kids feel everything. They watch how you interact with life. Now I had to ask myself- what did I want Lukas to see? The answer was clear: I wanted him to see what a “happy” adult looked like. And by happy I meant that I wanted him to see what an adult living WITH purpose looked like. An adult who wasn’t jaded, an adult who saw themselves as the artist of their life and saw the beauty amidst the pain.
Never had I been more inspired to love and believe in myself than when I realized this was one of the greatest gifts I could offer him. An example of self-love in action. What better way to show him how to create a beautiful home within than to create that for myself.
During the first couple of years, I remember being very tired. Being a new Mom was nothing short of challenging. Add to that a stressful marriage and eventually a separation. The most difficult part was not the separation itself, but taking on most of the parenting responsibility myself. It was insanely hard and at times it was painfully lonely. Yet, I got to witness how my family and friends showed up for me in their own beautiful ways. (Once I was finally out of survival mode, I could finally see how the Universe held me, but we’ll come back to that.)
When I get the opportunity to reflect on those times- I remember a very reactive and bitter version of myself. Heavy with inner turmoil. Frustrated that I kept finding myself in these cycles of difficult breakups- what made this one especially difficult though was the fact that now there was a child involved. I remember being so mad at myself because I felt like I knew better. I felt like if I had followed my intuition, I wouldn’t have put myself in this predicament. To be honest, these feelings of self-loathing were extremely intense at times. I remember talking to one friend in particular who would mostly listen to me cry until the intensity would subside.
These painful moments however led me to one of the best choices I ever made- and that was to reach out for help. I got brutally honest with myself and admitted that whatever I was doing, wasn’t working for me, and I needed help. Not just for my sake, but also for my son’s.
At the time, my beautiful friend, had just come back online after like a 6 year hiatus to announce that she had gone on her own journey of self-discovery. It was something along the lines of: “I went and did what I thought I was supposed to do and it left me feeling unfulfilled so I decided to figure out what fulfillment meant for ME and I can teach you how to do it too”. I resonated so much with her honesty, her courage and I was so inspired. The work of examining my choices and understanding how I even got there was incredibly enlightening. Most of all, I was able to cultivate so much compassion, admiration, grace and love for myself.
Three years later, we still work together. Together we grow. And together we get to look back and see how much things have changed since I first reached out.
On the path of self-love, I met my wonderful partner and his daughter- thanks again to my son. My son has brought beautiful and important people into my life. (Shout-out Continental Park Crew!) And these days, things are just lighter.
There’s a lot of love and laughter in my house. Our family of 2 grew to a family of 4 and 1 dog. It’s crazy, loud, and chaotic at times but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I have a much greater capacity for compassion and understanding. Much more patience for my son and those close to me. Much more joy and love to give. Earlier, I had mentioned I was living in survival mode and from that place I had very little capacity to show up for myself and my loved ones. These days I have the space and willingness to show up for myself and the people I love and admire.
I am overcome with gratitude when I look back and see how the Universe gives you that tough love, or the lead, for you to transform into gold.
Sometimes I just look at my Son and think- he has no idea how much he changed my life. My little Teacher. Because of him, I became braver. Some of the most loving decisions we make for ourselves can also be some of the hardest and scariest, yet, knowing that ultimately it would serve him as well was and still IS the ultimate motivation.
What I can leave you with is this- our world tends to explode when the Universe needs to get our attention. In hindsight, the dark place I was in was everything I needed because the love that I have for myself these days is the result of finding my way out. My Son is an example of the Universe’s abundance and ultimately grace.
Pain is inevitable however we suffer when we are holding on to the past. Once I accepted where I was at and let go of all the ways I “messed up” I was finally able to show up as the Mother I always dreamed of being- the adult who is not jaded. The adult living with purpose as the artist of their life. Who sees the beauty amidst the pain.
When everything seemed to be falling apart, it was working out perfectly…
From my Heart to Yours,
Lina